“TOLERANCE”

honorable people say “write about yourself, write those things which affects & affected your subconscious and your very pure psyche,  and people who see your painting or stand in front of your paintings will somehow understand your paintings which contain different dimensions, which contains distortion nudefigures,faces,eyes,hand,feet,fantasy,realism,symbolism,surrealism,bright colors,lines,pain,subconscious fluidity and metaphysical things in story telling form”.  I am explaining in short what happened and people after knowing I have restarted paintings are doing which is now affecting my subconscious and paintings as well. Why you all people do not understand my paintings. These are not complicated ones, which I am able to do, and I do not know what you all want to understand. I do not want to talk about my past but why everyone wants to know about it?

So many things happened when I broke my silence by starting paintings after long and precious 23 years. I never wanted to or did not want to speak my past to anyone and no one talked about it to me for last 23 years because of my unusual personality but my paintings broke the silence. Silence has really great powers and tolerance makes you acceptable and shines your feelings and knowledge and gives you grand opportunity to observe them… And on the other hand, it also gives others the opportunity to be what they are in their originality. My father used to say genius, remember this “If someone do not understand your silence they will not understand your words. Never lose your originality and purity in original for anyone, no one is bigger than your soul I know who you are because GOD knows who you are and no one is going to give anything to you because you are full and dribbling, so don’t waste what you have give it to others. Expand your knowledge which purifies heart and mind… Observe everything, analyze, correlate the feelings and do not judge anything and anyone… They will prove themselves.

So many zombies from my past arose from their graves and started swarming around my paintings and me & as usual never understood me and my paintings but had courage to discuss their past in apologetic manner, in their distorted form, miles away from the truth, under fear that now something is going to happen.. Oh dear believe me, my paintings have only broken my silence… not my originality… I want to tell them if you speak truth, you have to talk less and it looks less noisy… I have written everything about me in short in the beginning of my website… Who ever had courage and slight aura of guilt talked with me and who had not discussed it with my Daisy… my daisy had heard everything for years previously and tolerated it in the name of her love for me, but now she started crumpling even under my protection from everything. This started hurting me because they were distorting truth with their denials, saying I forget and I don’t remember what and when a particular event happened. When so many people know everything related with me, then is there any need for denials? Everyone wanted to know why I stopped paintings & it is on my website… a concealed simple truth for last 2 years. Our subconscious does so many things without reasoning and I have done so many things consciously without reasoning but I ask you “Does faith need reasoning or logics”? My soul is my mirror and mirrors do not hurt me believe me, I believe in GOD.

Things happened in early 2009… The people who know me in my second life after 1985 who cared and loved me start asking, “Have you forgiven them”? Because my paintings gave those zombies who created all this mess in my life, the opportunity to talk to me, which I never gave them before… They all need answers and I don’t want to hurt them again so I am explaining.

They talked but do not know the meaning of words they used. I ask them what you call memory, do you know the difference between delusion and illusions. Do you know what is obsession, what is temperament, recall, fantasy, false instinct, guilt and sorry? Do you know the difference between I forget and I do not remember..? Is there any difference between recall and remembrance..? Do you feel emotions, of course if you know the meaning of it, have you ever felt the feeling..? No you do not.

The present knowledge of past in real time and place is your memory, delusion is a belief that is firmly held despite objective evidence contrary to it and illusion is an appearance that is not real…  Obsession is a persistent idea or desire that is recognized as being more or less irrational or immoral by the person to whom it continually occurs.  Emotional traits of personality displayed by an individual are called temperament and recall is the form of memory in which a previous experience is remembered and what is satisfaction of motives in the imagination; sure it is fantasy…

It is our innate, unlearned unchangeable behavioral response to the normal environmental stimulus which is called instinct. Behavioral response is changed in false instinct.  Stirred up or disturbed state of mind, when our feelings become intense and excited are called Emotions. Do you know what a feeling is? Feeling, feel, do you feel, emotions are just opposite to instincts or is the core of instinct.  What we call our capacity to sense… Senses we feel by our sense organs, physical or nonphysical, what we call our emotional susceptibilities, atmosphere, sensitivity, notion our vague awareness, it is capacity to feel or sense is our feelings.

Don’t you think by forgetting we mean the failure to recall and recognize ideas…? It is weakening of bonds that are formed in learning. What do you mean learning is? Do you know whatsoever is in our memory is already happened and you people call it past. I don’t live in past but I can remember if someone provokes me, after all memories are memories…

To bring back into one’s thought, keep in memory, to not forget is the meaning of remember. Don’t you think there is difference in forgetting and do not remember? I say it is not possible to forget anything which is in our memory but it is true we can forget to remember.

What is common in these interlocked, interconnecting descriptive words? It is the feel. It is the feeling. Have you ever felt the feeling of silence of Maya (The matter)? Depth of knowledge? Have you ever felt the vibrations of real and apparent world? Vibration of your soul & body and others? Have you ever sensed vibrations of Maya? Have you ever sensed time and place? Have you ever felt the vibrations of belief, sensed appearances, desires, emotional stimulus? Sensed the vibrations of our mind, real and apparent? Have you even sensed feeling? Have you ever felt any thing for others except yourself? Have you ever observed others? Have you ever listened to someone? Do you know about conscience and subconscious? A sailor must know the way of world. You can make me regret for my words spoken but how can you make me regret for what you understood of that. Your tongue swore but not mind, believe me, several excuses are less convincing than a genuine one. You all have given me so much poison which is running in my veins and if someone bites me, I doubt about the person’s survival and my tolerance is the major cause for my survival.

DIFFUSION [OIL ON CANVAS] 72X48 INCHES…………………IT IS NOT FOR YOU…

IT IS NOT FOR YOU…………………It is not for you…………..I tried to write for my website, something in general about what happened with me and about someone who was obsessed with my paintings and me and did some outrageous things on valentine’s day, but someone else thought it is for someone else specific ..And that someone thought it is for them …and I never knew what was in their mind at that time. I was not given a single chance to explain anything and was also very confused about the situation and also about what to explain… this led to major misunderstanding and conflicts which ultimately affected many lives and was responsible for my major social embarrassment. I tried everything at my best to control the situation, used every means to rectify it but could not. I also received threatening calls claiming that, I have an extra marital affair and she is preg…. and….I also have a …son……with someone named………..And they will ruin my reputation in society…they also held me responsible for losing someone specific in their life because of me, and they also told me that they will publish the whole episode in newspapers… I talked about this with concerning people but in vain….And ultimately they did it. Ultimately this whole ominous, evil, disgraceful, purely rumored, promiscuous, critical situation ruined my reputation in my family and society. I fell into the darkness created by these promiscuous devils, even when I am very strong mentally and physically with high values and attitude just because I never anticipated and experienced this kind of ominous disgraceful situation which ultimately becomes the reason for my clinical depression. I stopped everything, covered myself in shame and disgrace and neglected my health by indulging in so many painful things which ultimately deteriorated my health and I underwent two major surgeries for my survival. It took one and a half year to recover mentally and physically but those people are happy to see my disgrace and ruined status.. They also sent a letter and I still don’t know what’s in it. They know me; they know that I don’t take revenge so they are making their mortal castles on my sufferings. They left me wounded and bleeding thinking that I am dead but I am alive and have survived. The truth prevailed and I have started flying again, but my soul has more deep scars now and is ornamented with deadly poisonous spears and weapons. Now it is your choice to either welcome me with good heart and explanations and return my reputation, my grace and respect to me again to the same status where people used to call me sir, used to love and respect me, used to ask permission for anything in my presence, used to feel privileged and honored with my aura and presence, used to touch my feet for my generosity, knowledge and divine powers because everyone is still talking filthy about me and nobody is with me….or be my enemy and prepare yourself for pain for your wrong doings and sins….  believe me you all know me I am Yavishtha and you manipulated and forced your DEVIL to be my friend and he is telling me that yavishtha you believe in GOD, you even believe in their GOD, and GOD is going to raise Hell in their life and world. Now I am transformed and GOD and DEVIL both are with me. I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall……… .………………………………………………………………………………………………………………WHAT I WROTE  WAS….………………………………………………………………………….

I am still trying to understand why people fall in love with me. A person like me who does not even talk with people, does not make eye contact, does not socialize, have lots of fears who fortunately hate love, what they mean!.. Yes…I hate love and I explain it to everybody if they try to enter my circle & if I somehow unfortunately talk with them why they feel privileged and shed their mask in front of me? Why they say I love you because, I love your attitude, your very expressive large eyes, your beautiful delicate shapely hands, and touch and body language? Why so many have said that my eyes have something supernatural, metaphysical, and something paranormal? Why they also perceive these things in my hands and touch? It is their perception…Am I responsible for it? For me these are just normal anatomical structures. I am ill-mannered, inconsistent, ill-tempered raw person, look at my hairstyle, look how shabbily I dress myself, my behavior, my abusive language, my bitter truthful talks, submissive, psychotic, cynic person, and they say I have attitude. Why don’t they try to understand that if someone is not good enough we try to find some goodness in him, why don’t you perceive pain and sufferings in my eyes if they are expressive? Why do they feel hurt when I say I hate love, I have fear of love? I ask to you all why you don’t simply love me if you love me. My conscience in love is covered with thick south so I can’t reciprocate but my soul is very good mirror it can reflect you all, why don’t you perceive this. Why hurting yourself at extremes in obsession without thinking whom you are hurting indirectly.

I am responsible for your hurts and sufferings because of my existence and believes, it hurts me more if someone hurts themselves because of me, I know how much mental trauma and suffering hurts and I punish myself for your every painful breath my GOD knows it. Next time, if it happens I will first pull out my eyes with my fingers than cut my hands at elbows and bleed myself till my soul leaves my body, believe me you all know me I am Yavishtha, Now you understand why I create pain ? Stones can talk, Stones can talk and you can hear it if you have the capacity to bear the pain of your efforts, holding chisel and hammer to carve it according to your imaginary demands, believe me and listen they speak with every stroke of your hammer on chisel, but you can’t hear it because of your all senses are occupied in carving it. 

          If someone even after my deliberate blocks enters my circle and express their love and after this when they try to match themselves with my conscience and truth, why do they get confused and then why they try to escape hurting me? Is it because their demands are not fulfilled? When does love need verbal declaration and means to fulfill your demands?

          Can anyone tell me why every time it happens with me whenever I unfortunately talk with someone and believe me this happened with me recently, by someone to the same extent it happened in past so many times, by doing the same things!!! Yes !!! Lust, obsession, love, concealment, avoidance, neglects, refusing to recognize me even because it was impossible for me to cater to the demands and fulfill what was in their mind. All these bad things happened even after my exercising caution, not to allow indulgence in these things and in my dimensions, I was not involved. It is something in your mind, it is your expression, it is your anticipated social problems, it is your escape, it is all done by you but why blame me for everything and treating me like an evil monster. I am same, the same Yavishtha with some more hurts that’s all. I have mentioned this episode because I have predicted and written in short about this on back pages of my diary in past. Everything happened as predicted even after my herculean efforts to change the situation and circumstances, and this time I was very conscious and more matured but a hurt is a hurt and even after knowing it is going to happen, I think it hurts more. No one tells me about my mistakes I may have committed… I just want to talk it out because if someone doesn’t understand me, it is O.K. don’t understand me but why misunderstand me? This is grave because I am what I am… is it my mistake and weakness that I want to talk and listen!! To make things normal !! Is it my mistake that I don’t behave or act according to you or your wishes and demands!! Is it my mistake that I don’t have any demands!! Is it my mistake because of these things I hate love since my adolescent!! Is it my mistake that I never ask who you are? Do you think I am a beggar!! So show up pity or in pity you are giving something to me!! No I am not… In spite of every filth with me, everyone loves me, recognizes me, regards me but if you can’t  sustain your feelings and ignore my presence and creativity and don’t recognize me even, people think it is an insult to a great soul, so I have to react and big fishes have big mouth don’t you know that !!  I tried to give you my knowledge in everything, gave you the ultimate feeling of being on top of the world and these things need respect and faith to sustain and maintain in that state but  your lack of faith and respect is not my mistake or concern!! Just think about it and ask yourself what you have done and then, why I became like this?? The question should be, do I love,.. No… then,,, do you love me?…NO… I love everything GOD has created and absence of love is called hate so I don’t hate anyone, I love my kind of love which does not need verbal explanations, expectations, demands and declarations even.., you can perceive it. What do I possess which others don’t.??  What do I have? & why they say this.  You are trying to climb the mountain and you don’t have the capacity and tolerance to bear the pain of your efforts… believe me…..yavishthaart.com

 YAVISHTHA KAUSHIK