My earlier paintings you had hesitated or refused to see because of ignorance born out of your paranoiac immaturity and had advised my father to remove them without seeing them…and 25 years later you are mentally still incapable and insensitive to stand before my work of art.. My painting… To appreciate and judge them. My creations involve surrealism, metaphysics, symbolism, metaphor, time distortion and fantasies and many honorable artists swore that my canvasses are “read like a book and heard like an epic.” Do you know the meaning or understand these words. As a human being who has my kind of hyper active, sensitive and a working mind like mine? I am all ears for the unusual extra ordinary reviews and comments… but my heart feels pity on those who simply come up to me and say that I am happy to see your paintings.. How hollow, insensitive and out of the context paranoid comment by a person. It was deplorable then and years later it still is. Even GOD cannot change the past and the past is never dead… it is not even past, as I think there is no snow of yesterdays…
I am highly observant and very sensitive in my calmness and someone like you from my past tried to converse with me..! I just admire that courage you gathered in these so many years to stand in front of me..!! your lusterless face, droopy shoulders, dried up lips, wet eyes… trying to hold something, trying to conceal something… your whole body language trying to curtail something… and finally everything filtered down to your inability to look at me, I know because they think I can read mind through eyes.. Was it not the same condition of mine when I first heard I am an addict..?? I think you don’t know that when something is rolling in front of you, a point in time on that wheel of span, half its way, goes away from you and you shut your eyes thinking it is gone.. But dear.. Remember and observe its half way it comes towards you… so dear never close your eyes, the life is rolling. To my astonishment and surprise everyone starts their conversation using words like love, love,crush, attachment, my truth, sorry, guilt, I forget, I don’t remember etc, etc… which makes me uncomfortable and just to stop this conversation, I ask them “have you ever loved me??” a question asked by a person who hates love and what they mean by it……..’How ironic BRUTUS’… I don’t understand why they start crying… For me it is the most primitive reflex but they cry and say, “Yes yavishtha I revere you… and trust me I do….” Such blatant statement makes me agitated and embarrassed too but.. They change their answer fearing my calm, smiling and staring eyes..! An unusual response against my mental agitation and they say, “they admire me till they were with me…!” Oh…I just give them the freedom to cry… have you ever made someone to cry without doing anything..? I don’t know why I love those puffy eyes, watery eyes, wet eyelashes… Sometimes wide sometimes narrow, crying eyes shedding tears..! The rolling teardrops which shine like solitaires…why they look beautiful to me.. When their tears start drying up and to continue our conversation I ask in continuity, “when were you there with me”? I don’t know why they don’t answer me this simple question but for my surprise, their conversation stops here.. And when these demons of hell develop this kind of mental block, I somehow find the way to the door of their hell and escape. After so many years, I feel pity when they say, why have you forgiven me..?? It killed me…!!..What……, did I..!! OH BRUTUS….I converse here in silence and for your surprise they smile when I calmly say that I am sorry for that, because …till date I never thought that I had to say sorry for my forgiveness…..sorry for my forgiveness….!!!!!
YAVISHTHA KAUSHIK
yavishtha 